Mustard vs. Mustard Gas

obiwankobe · Post by **obiwankobe** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 1:58 pm

Mustard vs. Mustard Gas -- by JHB
http://www.ragingface.com/mustard.htm
(2003)

You cannot spread Mustard Gas on a sandwich, but you can kill people with it. That's what makes it so great. Its ability to kill, with a spicy, mustardy style.

Now, why couldn't we kill some people with some normal Mustard? Well, maybe we could. I mean, you couldn't just spread some Mustard onto a missile and consider that an accomplishment. You'd have to be creative. Jab it into people's eyes. Make people drink barrels of it, and then punch them in the face. That kind of thing. That's how you make the Mustard lethal. That's how you get it done.

Ok, so let's do a little bit of history. Mustard Gas is a chemical warfare agent first used by the Germans in World War I near Flanders, which is somewhere, apparently. So these Germans used the Mustard Gas to kill a lot of British Soldiers, because they thought that was funny. Almost as funny as trying to kill all the Jewish peeps. Making lampshades out of people's skin. Planting thems in the ground to see if they'll grow up like agriculture. Hah hah. That's pretty funny. You guys are great.

So this gas, this mustardy gas, it causes "internal and external bleeding". Tell me Doctor, can you bleed more? Is that possible? If you're bleeding inside and out, is there even another medium in which to bleed? I think the patient just died in room 104.

Mustard Gas attacks the bronchial tubes, which is where the breathing is born. It strips off the mucous membranes, which sounds pretty awesome, but in reality is probably not awesome. Then it makes you blind, which sucks, because if you're like me, and you like to go the mall and watch as people are walking up the stairs into the food court and…oops…you tripped….. but then what…..it didn't happen? Who do you think you're fooling? If you like watching that and sort of snickering, well then you're pretty much out of luck with no eyes.

Now, Mustard the sauce, although much less lethal than Mustard the gas, has mustard in it too. It's yellow, and kind of cream textured, and tastes real nice on a burger or maybe a hot dog at the Coors Field. But you still have to be careful, though, because if you eat too much of the stuff raw, you'll throw up. And just like the gas, if you inhale too much Mustard by like putting your face over the jar and breathing in a lot or even just smoking it, then you'll probably get cancer.

But we're not stupid. We're not gonna be smoking any more Mustard, because we don't want to become retarded.

Ok, so if your little sister is retarded or something, I'm really sorry, because that was insensitive. I still don't want to become retarded, though, but that's totally her choice, and I can respect that. The thing is, are there any retarded persons you've ever met that don't like Mustard? It's just so yellow and exciting and it dries up so perfectly on the corners of your mouth. Don't tell me that dried mustard on the face, any brand, isn't gonna make the job of trying to look retarded a lot easier. Serve it up on a hot fog or macaroni salad. Squirt it on your shirt. Lets go ahead and agree that it tastes good, its fun, and it saves time. We're all friends here.

I just can't help thinking, if Mustard and Mustard Gas were like in a fight, or wrestling or something, who's gonna come out on top? Who's gonna take away the trophy? Cash the check? I'm gonna bet on the gas, but let's see….

Germans like both the gas and the creamy sauce, so that's like a dead draw.

Now, they say that the gas has the smell of horseradishy mustard, whereas Mustard just straight up smells like Mustard and doesn't have to act like it's a gas or on the football team or something. Clearly the advantage is with Mustard the condiment here.

This never actually happened to me, but they'll tell you that the effects of getting all exposed to Mustard Gas makes you get blisters on your skin, and, if smoked or breathed in, its gonna rough up the soft and pink lungs, causing impairment, or even some kind of death. Mustard the sauce is totally safe though, because you can get it at 7-11 and even children can eat it after school. But there was this one time when my brother slathered it on there like he was already a man and he just ate that shit and his face get all red and he started choking. It was at his birthday party, and so we had it on tape all recorded, and if you rewind the tape, and listen real close, you'll hear him squeeze out a fart. He's like scrapping the mustard off his tongue with a napkin and my Mom is trying to make him eat bread, and…wait…..there it was. Total fart. It's classic. I re-wound the tape so many times, I thought I was going to piss myself.

Advantage: Mustard

The authorities say that any area of the body that is moist is particularly susceptible to attack by Mustard Gas. Moist. I'm gonna gamble and say that any area of the body that's "moist" would probably be susceptible to attack by Mustard sauce, too.

Draw

You're gonna have to wait 12 hours before the Mustard Gas takes effect, but the sauce is gonna taste pretty good right off the bat. mmmmm. Spread a little more on there. Don't be shy.

Advantage, gas. I mean sauce.

"I wish those people who talk about going on with this war whatever it costs could see the soldiers suffering from mustard gas poisoning. Great mustard-coloured blisters, blind eyes, all sticky and stuck together, always fighting for breath, with voices a mere whisper, saying that their throats are closing and they know they will die." Whoah.

Advantage: Mustard Gas

Mustard sauce is an aphrodisiac, which helps people have some sex. Mustard the gas just causes birth defects, which makes middle school like next to impossible.
Advantage: Mustard

The most likely substitute for Mustard would be Ketchup. Or is that a compliment? Shut up. Substitute. So Ketchup, that's pretty good and All-American. However, the most likely substitute for Mustard Gas would probably be something called "VX" gas. This reminds me of either oil for my car, Motorcross, or a porno with chicks dressed like Aliens. Either way, Ketchup, you're limp.

Advantage: Gas

Age is an issue, as in "Who's older"? Mustard Gas goes back to like 1917, when the First World War was all popular. The Mustard sauce, however, was discovered long, long ago by a tribe of Swedish Indians.

The Advantage goes to Mustard Sauce

"Highly irritating to the eyes, Mustard Gas quickly causes conjunctivitis and blindness. It attacks the respiratory tract and lungs, causing pulmonary edema". Conjunctivitis? Pulmonary Edema? I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. Nice "words".

Advantage: Mustard the Sauce.

Sadaam Hussein loves to kill the little Kurdies with his Mustard Gas. Now, although he has a fucking awesome mustache and wears green military uniforms and makes love to the ladies all night long, I just can't agree with him on this one. Mustard Sauce ain't never killed no Kurds.

Advantage: Mustard.

"Mustard Gas" has the word "gas" in it, which is like a code word for flatulence. But mustard the sauce is sometimes called "Poupon", which is pretty sweet as well. Hmmmm.

Draw.

I don't know. Where does that leave us? Nowhere I guess. But Maybe if we all sent some Mustard sauce to that Hans Blix, and were like "Hey Blix, is this what you're looking for? You're so stupid", then that would at least get the ball rolling.

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 2:10 pm

aaaaahahaha..this reminds me of day camp over nite campout when i was a kid.....a fuckin cunt took a mustard squirt bottle and sqeezed the shit up my nostrils when I was getting shuteye...fucker...all I could smell was mustard for days on end.

shloemoe · Post by **shloemoe** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 3:53 pm

I always use Grey poupon when I make meat loaf...adds a little zest!

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 3:55 pm

I'll have to dip my dick in Grey Poupon when you come round lookin to kiss my bunghole.

shloemoe · Post by **shloemoe** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 4:55 pm

Fair nuff...but you gotta lick the mayo off me buddy guy FIRST

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:14 pm

nope...I don't do cheezesticks...I'm a pie guy.

shloemoe · Post by **shloemoe** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:17 pm

Well let me give ya the 411...if ya ask guys to lick yer BUNGHOLE!...then in the words of the great Elmer Fudd...
Something very scwooy is going on around here!

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:19 pm

I just wanted to get you close enough to rip a good wet fart in your piehole just before your lips touch my bunghole...

shloemoe · Post by **shloemoe** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:22 pm

Um...once again 411 if you like to fart in close proximity to fellas faces
....etc....etc....

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:24 pm

You callin me a fag?

shloemoe · Post by **shloemoe** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:32 pm

Its all good man...fag is such derogetory word...but they say...
,,,"if it walks like a duck".... stand up and be proud Mr. Rotter
....wouldn't change nothing with everybody else...we'd still love ya!

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:34 pm

No,I ain't gay..but I'm flattered you think so..nannnnnnnnnnnncy

shloemoe · Post by **shloemoe** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:35 pm

kisses...XOXOXOXOXOXOXO....Shloemoe+ Rotter ...FOREVER!

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:36 pm

fuck..I'm just a nice little fella from canada,I didn't expect all this attention from all the gay folk......aaaaaahahaaaaaaaaaaa

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:37 pm

pass the pie please....

shloemoe · Post by **shloemoe** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:38 pm

Aw-ight...gotta put some tomatoes in de old pasta salad...come out play later....

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:48 pm

laterz....now eat your meat now...or no pudding.

gidgetgoestohell · Post by **gidgetgoestohell** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 6:06 pm

Shloe and Rotter
Sitting in a tree
mutual j-e-r-k-i-n-g

DIsPervertNurse · Post by **DIsPervertNurse** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 8:03 pm

I'm actually impressed with the article in a lot of ways, but there are still some inaccuracies that I must point out. Please, do not take offense to this! This shit is my hobby and I'm quite an enthusiast when it comes to chemical warfare! Yes, I know that sounds wierd...but anyway...here goes!

Actually it is Levinstein Mustard Agent, it's not a gas. It is actually a liquid. The liquid can evaporate creating a vapor, but the agent itself is a liquid. Not only were British Soldiers affected, but also Australians and Canadians as well. Mustard Agent does not cause "internal and external bleeding". If it contacts the skin, in 12 - 24 hours you will develop a liquid filled blister. The agent actually destoys the tissue it comes in contact with at a cellular level. If it gets on your skin, it won't necessarily kill you. It will definately incapacitate you however. What kills a person when they only have these blisters and they get infected and gangrenous. Now, if the agent is inhaled or ingested, that is when it is considered lethal. It will destroy lung tissue as described. It will also cause blister on the internal parts that it comes in contact with. Yes, that also means the intestines! Mustard isn't actually in Mustard Agent. LOL...it got it's name from it's very distinct smell. No, not like Mustard the condiment, but Mustard the plant/flower. LMAO...it does not smell like French's!

As for the "moist areas". The agent will be attracted to these areas as that is where moisture is. The pores are more open when you sweat and that's why those areas are a little worse off then the rest of the body when the blisters do set in. You should see the Australian Films on this! I have them on DVD somewhere, if you wanna see them I can upload them to youtube so you can see for yourself. The areas we consider "moist" are the groin, armpits, back of the knees, and inside of the elbows. Anywhere you sweat a lot! The blisters are kind of a yellowish color as well. But the agent is colorless. The blisters are filled with bodily fluids, just as any other blister.

VX is not a suitable substitute for Mustard Agent. It's not even the same class of agent! A good substitute would be Distilled Mustard, Nitrogen Mustard, Mustard-T, Lewisite, Phosgene Oxime, Mustard-Lewisite, Ethyldichloroarsine, Methyldichloroarsine, Phenyldichloroarsine, or something similar to these. VX is a nerve agent. VX is NOT a gas at all! And NO, The Rock is NOT a good example of VX. That was extremely inaccurate! But that is a different day and a different topic! Conjunctivitis is infection in the eyes and pulmonary edema is when the lungs fill with fluid causing drylands drowning. You basically drown in your own bodily fluids.

Saddam used blister, nerve, blood, and choking agents extensively on the Kurdish. He also used it on Iran during the Iran-Iraq War back in the 80's.

Hopefully this wasn't taken the wrong way, I just want to ensure that when people speak on things like this that the public is getting the facts, not perceptions and inaccuracies.

gidgetgoestohell · Post by **gidgetgoestohell** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 8:08 pm

You're just like me with Family Law in California, Nursie....

DIsPervertNurse · Post by **DIsPervertNurse** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 8:11 pm

Yeppers! This is my "thing"! LOL!

shloemoe · Post by **shloemoe** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 11:18 pm

Ghastly....ya know Im pretty anti bush and his gang, but damn proud and glad to see saadam get his... what a monster!...history works in weird ways...if Kerry would'a won Saadam would probably still be in power?
....dunno?

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 5:32 am

yeah...glad they caught that saadam...he was a fuckin cunt...now gotta capture camel ass lickin Bin Ladin...hope the canadians shoot the towel right off his pumpkin.

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 5:35 am

fuck Josie...thanks go makin me gag wif the pics of tard' gas blister arm....fuccccccckkkkk

DIsPervertNurse · Post by **DIsPervertNurse** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 11:34 pm

HOLY SHIT!!!! ROTTER, of all people, ROTTER, got sickish from what I posted!!!!! I suppose there is ALWAYS a first time!!! LMAO

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Sat Jul 01, 2006 9:13 am

Rotter likes nice things like the Beatles.....and tits and pussy and tits and pussy...to infinity and beyond all stinkin cracks...trim your bush Josie!

DIsPervertNurse · Post by **DIsPervertNurse** » Sat Jul 01, 2006 6:11 pm

Actually I did! I do prune my bush! I was just saying that there is nothing wrong with natural either! As long as it's clean, it's all good!

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Sat Jul 01, 2006 6:15 pm

Its all good...as long as theres cheetos .....

DIsPervertNurse · Post by **DIsPervertNurse** » Sat Jul 01, 2006 6:19 pm

LMAO....I need to get my hands on Cheeto's Cheese in like a can or something for "fun" if you know what I mean! Hubby would be quite pleased if I can find it!

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Sat Jul 01, 2006 6:26 pm

Cheetos in a can?Like spray cheese?You gonna squirt cheetos stuff in your ass or somethin?

DIsPervertNurse · Post by **DIsPervertNurse** » Sat Jul 01, 2006 6:49 pm

LOL...no, I need the cheese powder that's on the cheetoh's to make a "really big cheetoh" of the hubby to devour!

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Sat Jul 01, 2006 6:54 pm

ahhhhhh.....can I watch

shloemoe · Post by **shloemoe** » Sat Jul 01, 2006 6:55 pm

Shloemoe jealous!!!!

DIsPervertNurse · Post by **DIsPervertNurse** » Sat Jul 01, 2006 7:41 pm

LOL...only if he says you can! Gots ta find the cheese powder though first!

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Sun Jul 02, 2006 11:18 am

I can get the cheese..

Silly Sausage · Post by **Silly Sausage** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 9:27 am

Awww, Rotter you shouldn't go around teasing your boyfriend like that.
Does Maddie know about this love you got going?

gidgetgoestohell · Post by **gidgetgoestohell** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 9:42 am

They are homersexuals....what can ya do Silly??? Love is found in the strangest of places....

Silly Sausage · Post by **Silly Sausage** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 9:47 am

Awww, I think it's just wonderful that Rotter's found someone. I feel so left out. Am'I being replaced, Rotter?

Maddie · Post by **Maddie** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 10:40 am

gidgetgoestohell wrote:They are homersexuals....what can ya do Silly??? Love is found in the strangest of places....

Rotters' a shloemoesexual.

gidgetgoestohell · Post by **gidgetgoestohell** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 11:52 am

...and that would make Rotter a hottotrotrottysexual, I suppose....

shloemoe · Post by **shloemoe** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 12:13 pm

Oh!...you thop it....Be nice to Rot-ney

DIsPervertNurse · Post by **DIsPervertNurse** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 1:29 pm

WOW!! Since when was it possible for me to be a BOYFRIEND?? LMFAO!! Maddie, dahlink, I think I'm confused!

rotter · Post by **rotter** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 1:33 pm

I don't know whats goin on either.I'm a lesbian

DIsPervertNurse · Post by **DIsPervertNurse** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 1:35 pm

I'm a pole smoker!

Maddie · Post by **Maddie** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 3:58 pm

Me too!

indie1031.punkrockdemo.com

Mustard vs. Mustard Gas

Mustard vs. Mustard Gas

Re: Mustard vs. Mustard Gas