Mustard vs. Mustard Gas
Posted: Thu Jun 29, 2006 1:58 pm
Mustard vs. Mustard Gas -- by JHB
http://www.ragingface.com/mustard.htm
(2003)
You cannot spread Mustard Gas on a sandwich, but you can kill people with it. That's what makes it so great. Its ability to kill, with a spicy, mustardy style.
Now, why couldn't we kill some people with some normal Mustard? Well, maybe we could. I mean, you couldn't just spread some Mustard onto a missile and consider that an accomplishment. You'd have to be creative. Jab it into people's eyes. Make people drink barrels of it, and then punch them in the face. That kind of thing. That's how you make the Mustard lethal. That's how you get it done.
Ok, so let's do a little bit of history. Mustard Gas is a chemical warfare agent first used by the Germans in World War I near Flanders, which is somewhere, apparently. So these Germans used the Mustard Gas to kill a lot of British Soldiers, because they thought that was funny. Almost as funny as trying to kill all the Jewish peeps. Making lampshades out of people's skin. Planting thems in the ground to see if they'll grow up like agriculture. Hah hah. That's pretty funny. You guys are great.
So this gas, this mustardy gas, it causes "internal and external bleeding". Tell me Doctor, can you bleed more? Is that possible? If you're bleeding inside and out, is there even another medium in which to bleed? I think the patient just died in room 104.
Mustard Gas attacks the bronchial tubes, which is where the breathing is born. It strips off the mucous membranes, which sounds pretty awesome, but in reality is probably not awesome. Then it makes you blind, which sucks, because if you're like me, and you like to go the mall and watch as people are walking up the stairs into the food court and…oops…you tripped….. but then what…..it didn't happen? Who do you think you're fooling? If you like watching that and sort of snickering, well then you're pretty much out of luck with no eyes.
Now, Mustard the sauce, although much less lethal than Mustard the gas, has mustard in it too. It's yellow, and kind of cream textured, and tastes real nice on a burger or maybe a hot dog at the Coors Field. But you still have to be careful, though, because if you eat too much of the stuff raw, you'll throw up. And just like the gas, if you inhale too much Mustard by like putting your face over the jar and breathing in a lot or even just smoking it, then you'll probably get cancer.
But we're not stupid. We're not gonna be smoking any more Mustard, because we don't want to become retarded.
Ok, so if your little sister is retarded or something, I'm really sorry, because that was insensitive. I still don't want to become retarded, though, but that's totally her choice, and I can respect that. The thing is, are there any retarded persons you've ever met that don't like Mustard? It's just so yellow and exciting and it dries up so perfectly on the corners of your mouth. Don't tell me that dried mustard on the face, any brand, isn't gonna make the job of trying to look retarded a lot easier. Serve it up on a hot fog or macaroni salad. Squirt it on your shirt. Lets go ahead and agree that it tastes good, its fun, and it saves time. We're all friends here.
I just can't help thinking, if Mustard and Mustard Gas were like in a fight, or wrestling or something, who's gonna come out on top? Who's gonna take away the trophy? Cash the check? I'm gonna bet on the gas, but let's see….
Germans like both the gas and the creamy sauce, so that's like a dead draw.
Now, they say that the gas has the smell of horseradishy mustard, whereas Mustard just straight up smells like Mustard and doesn't have to act like it's a gas or on the football team or something. Clearly the advantage is with Mustard the condiment here.
This never actually happened to me, but they'll tell you that the effects of getting all exposed to Mustard Gas makes you get blisters on your skin, and, if smoked or breathed in, its gonna rough up the soft and pink lungs, causing impairment, or even some kind of death. Mustard the sauce is totally safe though, because you can get it at 7-11 and even children can eat it after school. But there was this one time when my brother slathered it on there like he was already a man and he just ate that shit and his face get all red and he started choking. It was at his birthday party, and so we had it on tape all recorded, and if you rewind the tape, and listen real close, you'll hear him squeeze out a fart. He's like scrapping the mustard off his tongue with a napkin and my Mom is trying to make him eat bread, and…wait…..there it was. Total fart. It's classic. I re-wound the tape so many times, I thought I was going to piss myself.
Advantage: Mustard
The authorities say that any area of the body that is moist is particularly susceptible to attack by Mustard Gas. Moist. I'm gonna gamble and say that any area of the body that's "moist" would probably be susceptible to attack by Mustard sauce, too.
Draw
You're gonna have to wait 12 hours before the Mustard Gas takes effect, but the sauce is gonna taste pretty good right off the bat. mmmmm. Spread a little more on there. Don't be shy.
Advantage, gas. I mean sauce.
"I wish those people who talk about going on with this war whatever it costs could see the soldiers suffering from mustard gas poisoning. Great mustard-coloured blisters, blind eyes, all sticky and stuck together, always fighting for breath, with voices a mere whisper, saying that their throats are closing and they know they will die." Whoah.
Advantage: Mustard Gas
Mustard sauce is an aphrodisiac, which helps people have some sex. Mustard the gas just causes birth defects, which makes middle school like next to impossible.
Advantage: Mustard
The most likely substitute for Mustard would be Ketchup. Or is that a compliment? Shut up. Substitute. So Ketchup, that's pretty good and All-American. However, the most likely substitute for Mustard Gas would probably be something called "VX" gas. This reminds me of either oil for my car, Motorcross, or a porno with chicks dressed like Aliens. Either way, Ketchup, you're limp.
Advantage: Gas
Age is an issue, as in "Who's older"? Mustard Gas goes back to like 1917, when the First World War was all popular. The Mustard sauce, however, was discovered long, long ago by a tribe of Swedish Indians.
The Advantage goes to Mustard Sauce
"Highly irritating to the eyes, Mustard Gas quickly causes conjunctivitis and blindness. It attacks the respiratory tract and lungs, causing pulmonary edema". Conjunctivitis? Pulmonary Edema? I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. Nice "words".
Advantage: Mustard the Sauce.
Sadaam Hussein loves to kill the little Kurdies with his Mustard Gas. Now, although he has a fucking awesome mustache and wears green military uniforms and makes love to the ladies all night long, I just can't agree with him on this one. Mustard Sauce ain't never killed no Kurds.
Advantage: Mustard.
"Mustard Gas" has the word "gas" in it, which is like a code word for flatulence. But mustard the sauce is sometimes called "Poupon", which is pretty sweet as well. Hmmmm.
Draw.
I don't know. Where does that leave us? Nowhere I guess. But Maybe if we all sent some Mustard sauce to that Hans Blix, and were like "Hey Blix, is this what you're looking for? You're so stupid", then that would at least get the ball rolling.
http://www.ragingface.com/mustard.htm
(2003)
You cannot spread Mustard Gas on a sandwich, but you can kill people with it. That's what makes it so great. Its ability to kill, with a spicy, mustardy style.
Now, why couldn't we kill some people with some normal Mustard? Well, maybe we could. I mean, you couldn't just spread some Mustard onto a missile and consider that an accomplishment. You'd have to be creative. Jab it into people's eyes. Make people drink barrels of it, and then punch them in the face. That kind of thing. That's how you make the Mustard lethal. That's how you get it done.
Ok, so let's do a little bit of history. Mustard Gas is a chemical warfare agent first used by the Germans in World War I near Flanders, which is somewhere, apparently. So these Germans used the Mustard Gas to kill a lot of British Soldiers, because they thought that was funny. Almost as funny as trying to kill all the Jewish peeps. Making lampshades out of people's skin. Planting thems in the ground to see if they'll grow up like agriculture. Hah hah. That's pretty funny. You guys are great.
So this gas, this mustardy gas, it causes "internal and external bleeding". Tell me Doctor, can you bleed more? Is that possible? If you're bleeding inside and out, is there even another medium in which to bleed? I think the patient just died in room 104.
Mustard Gas attacks the bronchial tubes, which is where the breathing is born. It strips off the mucous membranes, which sounds pretty awesome, but in reality is probably not awesome. Then it makes you blind, which sucks, because if you're like me, and you like to go the mall and watch as people are walking up the stairs into the food court and…oops…you tripped….. but then what…..it didn't happen? Who do you think you're fooling? If you like watching that and sort of snickering, well then you're pretty much out of luck with no eyes.
Now, Mustard the sauce, although much less lethal than Mustard the gas, has mustard in it too. It's yellow, and kind of cream textured, and tastes real nice on a burger or maybe a hot dog at the Coors Field. But you still have to be careful, though, because if you eat too much of the stuff raw, you'll throw up. And just like the gas, if you inhale too much Mustard by like putting your face over the jar and breathing in a lot or even just smoking it, then you'll probably get cancer.
But we're not stupid. We're not gonna be smoking any more Mustard, because we don't want to become retarded.
Ok, so if your little sister is retarded or something, I'm really sorry, because that was insensitive. I still don't want to become retarded, though, but that's totally her choice, and I can respect that. The thing is, are there any retarded persons you've ever met that don't like Mustard? It's just so yellow and exciting and it dries up so perfectly on the corners of your mouth. Don't tell me that dried mustard on the face, any brand, isn't gonna make the job of trying to look retarded a lot easier. Serve it up on a hot fog or macaroni salad. Squirt it on your shirt. Lets go ahead and agree that it tastes good, its fun, and it saves time. We're all friends here.
I just can't help thinking, if Mustard and Mustard Gas were like in a fight, or wrestling or something, who's gonna come out on top? Who's gonna take away the trophy? Cash the check? I'm gonna bet on the gas, but let's see….
Germans like both the gas and the creamy sauce, so that's like a dead draw.
Now, they say that the gas has the smell of horseradishy mustard, whereas Mustard just straight up smells like Mustard and doesn't have to act like it's a gas or on the football team or something. Clearly the advantage is with Mustard the condiment here.
This never actually happened to me, but they'll tell you that the effects of getting all exposed to Mustard Gas makes you get blisters on your skin, and, if smoked or breathed in, its gonna rough up the soft and pink lungs, causing impairment, or even some kind of death. Mustard the sauce is totally safe though, because you can get it at 7-11 and even children can eat it after school. But there was this one time when my brother slathered it on there like he was already a man and he just ate that shit and his face get all red and he started choking. It was at his birthday party, and so we had it on tape all recorded, and if you rewind the tape, and listen real close, you'll hear him squeeze out a fart. He's like scrapping the mustard off his tongue with a napkin and my Mom is trying to make him eat bread, and…wait…..there it was. Total fart. It's classic. I re-wound the tape so many times, I thought I was going to piss myself.
Advantage: Mustard
The authorities say that any area of the body that is moist is particularly susceptible to attack by Mustard Gas. Moist. I'm gonna gamble and say that any area of the body that's "moist" would probably be susceptible to attack by Mustard sauce, too.
Draw
You're gonna have to wait 12 hours before the Mustard Gas takes effect, but the sauce is gonna taste pretty good right off the bat. mmmmm. Spread a little more on there. Don't be shy.
Advantage, gas. I mean sauce.
"I wish those people who talk about going on with this war whatever it costs could see the soldiers suffering from mustard gas poisoning. Great mustard-coloured blisters, blind eyes, all sticky and stuck together, always fighting for breath, with voices a mere whisper, saying that their throats are closing and they know they will die." Whoah.
Advantage: Mustard Gas
Mustard sauce is an aphrodisiac, which helps people have some sex. Mustard the gas just causes birth defects, which makes middle school like next to impossible.
Advantage: Mustard
The most likely substitute for Mustard would be Ketchup. Or is that a compliment? Shut up. Substitute. So Ketchup, that's pretty good and All-American. However, the most likely substitute for Mustard Gas would probably be something called "VX" gas. This reminds me of either oil for my car, Motorcross, or a porno with chicks dressed like Aliens. Either way, Ketchup, you're limp.
Advantage: Gas
Age is an issue, as in "Who's older"? Mustard Gas goes back to like 1917, when the First World War was all popular. The Mustard sauce, however, was discovered long, long ago by a tribe of Swedish Indians.
The Advantage goes to Mustard Sauce
"Highly irritating to the eyes, Mustard Gas quickly causes conjunctivitis and blindness. It attacks the respiratory tract and lungs, causing pulmonary edema". Conjunctivitis? Pulmonary Edema? I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. Nice "words".
Advantage: Mustard the Sauce.
Sadaam Hussein loves to kill the little Kurdies with his Mustard Gas. Now, although he has a fucking awesome mustache and wears green military uniforms and makes love to the ladies all night long, I just can't agree with him on this one. Mustard Sauce ain't never killed no Kurds.
Advantage: Mustard.
"Mustard Gas" has the word "gas" in it, which is like a code word for flatulence. But mustard the sauce is sometimes called "Poupon", which is pretty sweet as well. Hmmmm.
Draw.
I don't know. Where does that leave us? Nowhere I guess. But Maybe if we all sent some Mustard sauce to that Hans Blix, and were like "Hey Blix, is this what you're looking for? You're so stupid", then that would at least get the ball rolling.